Custom paint by Morlock
Friday, December 23, 2011
OXYMORONS
1. Is it good if
a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand
On the watch
Called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled
In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
Where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
Mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands"
When they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark"
When it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
Make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and
A "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
Mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics"
Not spelled
The way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific,
Why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind,
Why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed
And have dyslexia,
Can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular
And panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder
On the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags
And garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated
Is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue
Stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set
When you only have one?
27. Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway?
a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand
On the watch
Called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled
In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
Where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
Mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands"
When they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark"
When it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
Make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and
A "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
Mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics"
Not spelled
The way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific,
Why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind,
Why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed
And have dyslexia,
Can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular
And panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder
On the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags
And garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated
Is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue
Stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set
When you only have one?
27. Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway?
28. Christmas
- What other time of the year
Do you sit in front of a dead tree
And eat candy out of your socks?
Origin of Left & Right
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Wednesday, December 14, 2011
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.."
thx L
Saturday, December 3, 2011
True English story told by...
AT A DINNER PARTY THROWN IN JEAN CHRÉTIEN'S HONOUR,
A MAN TURNED TO MADAME CHRÉTIEN AND SAID:
A MAN TURNED TO MADAME CHRÉTIEN AND SAID:
"YOUR HUSBAND HAS BEEN SUCH A BUSY, PROMINENT,
PUBLIC, FIGURE WITH SUCH A BUSY SCHEDULE,
RETIREMENT WILL PROBABLY SEEM VERY QUIET, BY COMPARISON. "
PUBLIC, FIGURE WITH SUCH A BUSY SCHEDULE,
RETIREMENT WILL PROBABLY SEEM VERY QUIET, BY COMPARISON. "
" MADAME CHRÉTIEN , WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING
FORWARD TO IN THESE RETIREMENT YEARS ?"
"A PENIS," SAID MADAME CHRÉTIEN.
A HUSH FELL OVER THE TABLE.
EVERYONE HEARD HER ANSWER
YET NO ONE KNEW WHAT TO SAY NEXT.
***************
JEAN LEANED OVER TO HIS WIFE AND SAID:
"ALINE, IN HINGLISH, DEY PRONOUNCES DAT
WORD,.....”APPINESS."
WORD,.....”APPINESS."
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