WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST? (Little Johnny)

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part 
of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

      The nun had to leave the room.



              lol, thx Big Al

DAMN TRACTOR!

  A farmer has three sons.

  One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is 
  graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

  His father says, "Son, come with me."

  He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, 
  "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as

  it's paid for, we'll get you a car."

  The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and 
  said, "Okay, Dad."

  A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a 
  new two-wheel bicycle.

  Well, he gets the same excuse . "as soon as that tractor is paid for  "

  Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging 
  him for a tricycle.

  Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for  first.

  While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted 
  with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and 
  promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, 
  mumbling to himself the whole time.

  His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He 
  didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"

  The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, 
  nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."

How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

 So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife. 

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop... 

  
but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses.....'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres 
 that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, mushroom caps, fish fingers, meat pies and samoosas. 
  
'But my sweet honey, at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, D*ckh**d? Drink your f*****g beer in your G*dd*mn frozen mug and eat your motherf*****g snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f*****g going anywhere! 

Got it, Arsehole?'

So he stayed home............
and, they lived happily ever after.

 

thx L

OXYMORONS

1. Is it good if
a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand
On the watch
Called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled
In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
Where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
Mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands"
When they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark"
When it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
Make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and
A "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
Mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics"
Not spelled
The way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific,
Why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind,
Why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed
And have dyslexia,
Can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular
And panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder
On the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags
And garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated
Is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue
Stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set
When you only have one?

27.  Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway? 

28. Christmas 

- What other time of the year 

Do you sit in front of a dead tree 

And eat candy out of your socks? 

Origin of Left & Right

... I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left." By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left." Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord.  Amen. Can't get any simpler than that. Subject: Spelling Lesson The last four letters in American..........I Can The last four letters in Republican........I Can The last four letters in Democrats.........Rats End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012 Remember, November is to be set aside as rodent extermination month.

The Best Break Up Letter Ever..

GIVE THAT MAN A MEDAL!!!  thx Al

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

 

 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

 

"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.."

thx L

Newfie Lawsuit

A newfie calls up his lawyer and asks "Wit all dem lawsuits going on I'm
feelin' kinda left out.

How do I get in on some of dat action? I hears that people are suing the
cigarette companies 'cause they got
cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves
fat and all kinds of stuff"!!

His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do You fit under?"
The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers.....

"Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's for all
them ugly women I woke up wit...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because
gosh-darn it,he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA:  The chicken crossed the road because
it was time for change!  The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN:  My friends, that chicken crossed
the road because he recognized the need to engage
in cooperation and dialogue with all
the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:  When I was First Lady, I
personally helped that little chicken to cross the
road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the
road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken
crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken
is on our side of the road, or The chicken is either
against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you
can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken
crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken
cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong
road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
it.

AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white? We
need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken
won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on
this side of the road before it goes after the problem on
the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not
taking on his current
problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems,which is why he wants to cross this road so badly.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes
and take falls, which is a part of life,I'm going to give
this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:  We have reason to believe there is a
chicken,but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the
other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE:  That chicken crossed the road because he's
guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way that chicken
was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to
sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No
little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road.Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting? In a few moments,
we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time,
the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case
of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of
crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral
part of eChicken2011.
This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one? 

Doggie Phone Service?

               PHONE REPAIR 

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008 
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. 

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. 

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. 

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed  by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP *

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1


All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short
sets.  Really, really exciting!
Our local Red Hat chapter, "The Late Bloomers," decided on this "all-girls"
trip.
It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

---------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea ~ beautiful!  Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain
today -- seems like a very nice man.

---------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today.  Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.  Felt honored and
had a wonderful time.  He is very attractive and attentive.

---------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him
in his own cabin.  Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him I could
not be unfaithful to my husband.

----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today.  Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar,
stayed there for rest of day.  Captain saw me, bought me several large
drinks.
Really is quite charming.  Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.  He told me that if I did not let him have his way with
me, he would sink the ship...  I was shocked!

----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

*Twice.*


Thx S

Short Bedtime Story

Saluting people who make a difference

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

thx Al

WHAT IS.... A BUCKET SEAT?

For those who do not know what a bucket seat is....

Now you know.

Winning the Future....

Winning the Future

I know this is supposed to be the smartest administration ever,

but if I were running a campaign with a fairly unpopular incumbent,

the last thing I’d do is have a reelection slogan whose initials were WTF

thx Scrounge

BREAKING NEWS

BREAKING NEWS:

 

Obama interrupts his Martha’s Vineyard golfing vacation to announce that the Washington, DC earthquake occurred on an obscure faultline that runs underneath the White House and is known as “Bush’s Fault.” ~

Letter from the front line

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know,  Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland ) Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz  a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like  sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean  ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!!  Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to  see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot  Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered  because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the  bullock paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' -  dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing  back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the  Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of  piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to  steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy -  it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like  we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only  been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick  handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,  but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how  bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Susan Thx Big Al