Monday, December 26, 2011

How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
 So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife. 

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop... 
  
but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses.....'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres
 
 that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, mushroom caps, fish fingers, meat pies and samoosas.
 
  
'But my sweet honey, at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, D*ckh**d? Drink your f*****g beer in your G*dd*mn frozen mug and eat your motherf*****g snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f*****g going anywhere!
 
Got it, Arsehole?'

So he stayed home............
and, they lived happily ever after.

 
thx L

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Warwagon

Custom paint by Morlock

Some of my favorite pictures

 My Dad
 Me and Aunt Judy
My brother and Grandfather

OXYMORONS

1. Is it good if
a vacuum really sucks?

2
Why is the third hand

On the watch
Called the second hand?

3.
 If a word is misspelled

In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?

4.
 If Webster wrote the first dictionary,

Where did he find the words?

5.
 Why do we say something is out of whack?

What is a whack?

6.
 Why does "slow down" and

"slow up" mean the same thing?

7.
 Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"

Mean the same thing?

8
. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9
. Why do we sing

"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?

10.
 Why are they called "stands"

When they are made for sitting?

11.
 Why is it called "after dark"

When it really is "after light"?

12.
 Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"

Make the unexpected expected?

13
Why are a "wise man" and

A "wise guy" opposites?

14
Why do "overlook" and "oversee"

Mean opposite things?

15.
 Why is "phonics"

Not spelled
The way it sounds?

16.
 If work is so terrific,

Why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?

18.
 If love is blind,

Why is lingerie so popular?

19.
 If you are cross-eyed

And have dyslexia,
Can you read all right?

20.
 Why is bra singular

And panties plural?

21.
 Why do you press harder

On the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?

22.
 Why do we put suits in garment bags

And garments in a suitcase?

23.
 How come abbreviated

Is such a long word?

24
Why do we wash bath towels?

Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.
 Why doesn't glue

Stick to the inside of the bottle?

26.
 Why do they call it a TV set

When you only have one?

27.
 
Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway? 

28. Christmas 
- What other time of the year 
Do you sit in front of a dead tree 
And eat candy out of your socks? 

Origin of Left & Right

 ...
I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left."

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:
"The heart of the wise inclines to the right,
but the heart of the fool to the left."
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Thus sayeth the Lord.

 Amen.

Can't get any simpler than that.


Subject: Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American..........I Can
The last four letters in Republican........I Can
The last four letters in Democrats.........Rats

End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012

Remember, November is to be set aside as rodent extermination month.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Best Break Up Letter Ever..







GIVE THAT MAN A MEDAL!!!

 
thx Al

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

 
 
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,


"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."


Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,


"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."


The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,


"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."


She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"


The voice replied,
 

"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.."


thx L

Saturday, December 3, 2011

True English story told by...



AT A DINNER PARTY THROWN IN JEAN CHRÉTIEN'S HONOUR,
A MAN TURNED TO MADAME CHRÉTIEN AND SAID:
"YOUR HUSBAND HAS BEEN SUCH A BUSY, PROMINENT,
PUBLIC, FIGURE WITH SUCH A BUSY SCHEDULE,
RETIREMENT WILL PROBABLY SEEM VERY QUIET, BY COMPARISON. "

" MADAME CHRÉTIEN , WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING
FORWARD TO IN THESE RETIREMENT YEARS ?"

"A PENIS," SAID MADAME CHRÉTIEN.

A HUSH FELL OVER THE TABLE.
EVERYONE HEARD HER ANSWER
YET NO ONE  KNEW WHAT TO SAY NEXT.

***************

JEAN LEANED OVER TO HIS WIFE AND SAID:
"ALINE, IN HINGLISH, DEY PRONOUNCES DAT
WORD,.....”APPINESS."