OXYMORONS

1. Is it good if
a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand
On the watch
Called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled
In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
Where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
Mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands"
When they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark"
When it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
Make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and
A "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
Mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics"
Not spelled
The way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific,
Why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind,
Why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed
And have dyslexia,
Can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular
And panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder
On the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags
And garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated
Is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue
Stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set
When you only have one?

27.  Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway? 

28. Christmas 

- What other time of the year 

Do you sit in front of a dead tree 

And eat candy out of your socks? 

Origin of Left & Right

... I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left." By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left." Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord.  Amen. Can't get any simpler than that. Subject: Spelling Lesson The last four letters in American..........I Can The last four letters in Republican........I Can The last four letters in Democrats.........Rats End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012 Remember, November is to be set aside as rodent extermination month.

The Best Break Up Letter Ever..

GIVE THAT MAN A MEDAL!!!  thx Al

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

 

 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

 

"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.."

thx L

True English story told by...

AT A DINNER PARTY THROWN IN JEAN CHRÉTIEN'S HONOUR,
A MAN TURNED TO MADAME CHRÉTIEN AND SAID:

"YOUR HUSBAND HAS BEEN SUCH A BUSY, PROMINENT,
PUBLIC, FIGURE WITH SUCH A BUSY SCHEDULE,
RETIREMENT WILL PROBABLY SEEM VERY QUIET, BY COMPARISON. "

" MADAME CHRÉTIEN , WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING
FORWARD TO IN THESE RETIREMENT YEARS ?"

"A PENIS," SAID MADAME CHRÉTIEN.

A HUSH FELL OVER THE TABLE.
EVERYONE HEARD HER ANSWER
YET NO ONE  KNEW WHAT TO SAY NEXT.

***************

JEAN LEANED OVER TO HIS WIFE AND SAID:

"ALINE, IN HINGLISH, DEY PRONOUNCES DAT
WORD,.....”APPINESS."

Classroom Socialism

Every once in a while a dog just has to get up on the soapbox, this is a story I heard at the dogpark the other day and had to pass it on.

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that President Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. 

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. 

The second test average was a D! No one was happy. 
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that SOCIALISM would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

 These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1.. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Newfie Lawsuit

A newfie calls up his lawyer and asks "Wit all dem lawsuits going on I'm
feelin' kinda left out.

How do I get in on some of dat action? I hears that people are suing the
cigarette companies 'cause they got
cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves
fat and all kinds of stuff"!!

His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do You fit under?"
The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers.....

"Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's for all
them ugly women I woke up wit...