The 6 affairs...

The 1st  Affair    A married  man was having an affair  With his  secretary.  One day they went to  her place  And made love all  afternoon.  Exhausted, they fell  asleep  And woke up at 8 PM.   The man hurriedly dressed  And  told his lover to take his shoes   Outside and rub them in the grass and  dirt.  He put on his shoes and  drove home.  'Where have you been?'  his wife demanded.  'I can't lie to  you,' he replied,  'I'm having an  affair with my secretary.  We had sex  all afternoon.'  She looked down at  his shoes and said:  'You lying  bastard!  You've been playing  golf!'   The  2nd Affair   A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful  daughters But always talked about  having a son.  They decided to try  one last time  For the son they always  wanted.  The wife got  pregnant  And delivered a healthy baby  boy.  The joyful father rushed to  the nursery  To see his new son.   He was horrified at the ugliest  child  He had ever seen.   He told his wife: 'There's no way I  can  Be the father of this baby.   Look at the two beautiful daughters I  fathered!  Have you been fooling around  behind my back?'  The wife smiled  sweetly and replied:  'No, not this  time!'   The  3rd Affair   A  mortician was working late one night.   He examined the body of Mr.  Schwartz,  About to be cremated,   And made a startling discovery.   Schwartz had the largest private part   He had ever seen!  'I'm sorry  Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician   Commented, 'I can't allow you to be  cremated  With such an impressive  private part.  It must be saved for  posterity.'  So, he removed  it,  Stuffed it into his  briefcase,  And took it home.   'I have something to show  You  won't believe,' he said to his wife,   Opening his briefcase.  'My  God!' the wife exclaimed,  'Schwartz is  dead!'   The  4th Affair   A  woman was in bed with her lover  When  she heard her husband  Opening the  front door.  'Hurry,' she said,  'stand in the corner.'  She rubbed  baby oil all over him,  Then dusted him  with talcum powder.  'Don't move  until I tell you,'  She said. 'Pretend  you're a statue.'  'What's this?'  the husband inquired  As he entered the  room.  'Oh it's a statue,' she  replied.  'The Smiths bought one and I  liked it  So I got one for us,  too.'  No more was said,   Not even when they went to bed.   Around 2 AM the husband got up,   Went to the kitchen and returned   With a sandwich and a beer.   'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have  this.  I stood like that for two days  at the Smiths  And nobody offered me a  damned thing.'   The  5th Affair   A  man walked into a cafe,  Went to the  bar and ordered a beer.   'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one  cent.'  'One Cent?' the man  exclaimed.  He glanced at the menu  and asked:  'How much for a nice juicy  steak  And a bottle of wine?'   'A nickel,' the barman replied.   'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.   'Where's the guy who owns this place?'   The bartender replied:   'Upstairs, with my wife.'  The  man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs   With your wife?'  The bartender  replied:  'The same thing I'm  doing  To his business down  here.'   The  6th & Best Affair  Jake was  dying. His wife sat at the bedside.   He looked up and said weakly:   'I have something I must confess.'   'There's no need to, 'his wife  replied.  'No,' he insisted,   'I want to die in peace.  I slept  with your sister, your best friend,   her best friend, and your mother!'   'I know,' she replied.   'Now  just rest and let the poison work.'

Thx L

Price of Gas around the world

---      PRICE  OF GAS AROUND THE WORLD Prices are  quoted in US dollars per gallon for regular  unleaded.   April 2010 Oslo,  Norway $6.82 Hong  Kong$6.25 Brussels,  Belgium $6.16 London, UK  $5.96 Rome, Italy  $5..80 CANADA $5.36   Tokyo,  Japan $5.25 Sao Paul o  , Brazil $4.42 New Delhi,  India $3.71 Sidney,  Australia $3.42 Johannesburg  , South Africa $3.39 Mexico  City$2.22 Buenos  Aires, Argentina $2.09 ...  YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS .... Riyadh, Saudi  Arabia $0.09 Kuwait  $0.08 Caracas,  Venezuela $0.12 Gee, if  only Canada was an oil producing  nation.....  Hey, wait a  minute!!!

Westminister 2011/ Bouviers Group

The Original Chapstick

 

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy
wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.  

"Howdy, Stranger."

"Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail and placed
a big kiss on the horse's butt hole.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk,
and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff, "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope...but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

Two Trees and a Woodpecker

 - It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' 

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

Thx L

One of My Favorite Pictures

Note the picture by the lamp.