How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

 So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife. 

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop... 

  
but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses.....'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres 
 that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, mushroom caps, fish fingers, meat pies and samoosas. 
  
'But my sweet honey, at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, D*ckh**d? Drink your f*****g beer in your G*dd*mn frozen mug and eat your motherf*****g snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f*****g going anywhere! 

Got it, Arsehole?'

So he stayed home............
and, they lived happily ever after.

 

thx L

The Warwagon

Custom paint by Morlock

Some of my favorite pictures

 My Dad

 Me and Aunt Judy

My brother and Grandfather

OXYMORONS

1. Is it good if
a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand
On the watch
Called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled
In the dictionary,
How would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
Where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
Mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
When we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands"
When they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark"
When it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
Make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and
A "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
Mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics"
Not spelled
The way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific,
Why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind,
Why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed
And have dyslexia,
Can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular
And panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder
On the buttons of a remote control
When you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags
And garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated
Is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue
Stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set
When you only have one?

27.  Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway? 

28. Christmas 

- What other time of the year 

Do you sit in front of a dead tree 

And eat candy out of your socks? 

Origin of Left & Right

... I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right" and Liberals are called the "left." By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left." Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) Thus sayeth the Lord.  Amen. Can't get any simpler than that. Subject: Spelling Lesson The last four letters in American..........I Can The last four letters in Republican........I Can The last four letters in Democrats.........Rats End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012 Remember, November is to be set aside as rodent extermination month.

The Best Break Up Letter Ever..

GIVE THAT MAN A MEDAL!!!  thx Al

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

 

 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

 

"No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.."

thx L

True English story told by...

AT A DINNER PARTY THROWN IN JEAN CHRÉTIEN'S HONOUR,
A MAN TURNED TO MADAME CHRÉTIEN AND SAID:

"YOUR HUSBAND HAS BEEN SUCH A BUSY, PROMINENT,
PUBLIC, FIGURE WITH SUCH A BUSY SCHEDULE,
RETIREMENT WILL PROBABLY SEEM VERY QUIET, BY COMPARISON. "

" MADAME CHRÉTIEN , WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING
FORWARD TO IN THESE RETIREMENT YEARS ?"

"A PENIS," SAID MADAME CHRÉTIEN.

A HUSH FELL OVER THE TABLE.
EVERYONE HEARD HER ANSWER
YET NO ONE  KNEW WHAT TO SAY NEXT.

***************

JEAN LEANED OVER TO HIS WIFE AND SAID:

"ALINE, IN HINGLISH, DEY PRONOUNCES DAT
WORD,.....”APPINESS."

Classroom Socialism

Every once in a while a dog just has to get up on the soapbox, this is a story I heard at the dogpark the other day and had to pass it on.

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that President Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. 

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. 

The second test average was a D! No one was happy. 
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that SOCIALISM would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

 These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1.. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Newfie Lawsuit

A newfie calls up his lawyer and asks "Wit all dem lawsuits going on I'm
feelin' kinda left out.

How do I get in on some of dat action? I hears that people are suing the
cigarette companies 'cause they got
cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves
fat and all kinds of stuff"!!

His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do You fit under?"
The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers.....

"Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's for all
them ugly women I woke up wit...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because
gosh-darn it,he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA:  The chicken crossed the road because
it was time for change!  The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN:  My friends, that chicken crossed
the road because he recognized the need to engage
in cooperation and dialogue with all
the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:  When I was First Lady, I
personally helped that little chicken to cross the
road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the
road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken
crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken
is on our side of the road, or The chicken is either
against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you
can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken
crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken
cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong
road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
it.

AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white? We
need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken
won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on
this side of the road before it goes after the problem on
the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not
taking on his current
problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems,which is why he wants to cross this road so badly.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes
and take falls, which is a part of life,I'm going to give
this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN:  We have reason to believe there is a
chicken,but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the
other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE:  That chicken crossed the road because he's
guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way that chicken
was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to
sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No
little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not
been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed
the road.Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting? In a few moments,
we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time,
the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case
of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of
crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral
part of eChicken2011.
This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one? 

SCARY!!!: Warning on posting pics from your cell phone!!!!!!!

PLEASE PASS THIS INFO TO ANYONE YOU KNOW WHO TAKES PICTURES WITH THEIR CELL OR SMART PHONE AND POSTS THEM ON LINE.

I want every one of you to watch this and then be sure to share with all your family and friends. It's REALLY important info, about what posting things on your cell phones can do TO YOU!!! Too much technology out there these days so beware............. PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO WATCH THIS VIDEO, AND TAKE THE RECOMMENDED PRECAUTIONS. If you have children or grandchildren you NEED to watch this.  It's scary!

Scary Stuff

Doggie Phone Service?

               PHONE REPAIR 

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008 
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. 

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. 

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. 

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed  by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

Somewhere in Italy an ESR gets tested, good video

The lack of safety equipment is a bit disturbing, but she looks like she is having fun.
Click the link to view, it is only a minute long.http://www.vimeo.com/29826947

So true, and right.

Great Day in the Park

We had a good run in the sun!

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP *

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1


All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short
sets.  Really, really exciting!
Our local Red Hat chapter, "The Late Bloomers," decided on this "all-girls"
trip.
It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

---------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea ~ beautiful!  Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain
today -- seems like a very nice man.

---------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today.  Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.  Felt honored and
had a wonderful time.  He is very attractive and attentive.

---------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him
in his own cabin.  Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him I could
not be unfaithful to my husband.

----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today.  Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar,
stayed there for rest of day.  Captain saw me, bought me several large
drinks.
Really is quite charming.  Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.  He told me that if I did not let him have his way with
me, he would sink the ship...  I was shocked!

----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.

*Twice.*


Thx S

New (to me) Marvel Chair

It has arrived today and I am still in the shock stage, another phase of my life has begun.


 I hope that the road is not too rough , but it will stop the constant tripping and falling that is my daily routine. Here are some of the factory pictures, mine is second hand but still in great shape. Wish me luck...

As you can see it has a small shock like mountain bikes do, so when I do extreme off-road 'wheeling it can soak up the bumps??? Truth told it makes a very large difference at the end off a long day. it is also very light weighing in under 15lbs, and it is very easy to take apart and store in the backseat or trunk of the car.

Rizzly has no problem pulling me around if I put his proper harness on, we are soo lucky he adapts so well to change.

pitchbackjuggler

Thx Scrounge

Short Bedtime Story

Saluting people who make a difference

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

thx Al