Thx Al
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Spreading the Stupidity
Only in This Stupid World
.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in This Stupid World
.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in This Stupid World
.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..
Only in This Stupid World
.....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put
Our useless junk in the garage.
Only in This Stupid World ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in Packages of eight..
Only in This Stupid World .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER
..
Why the sun lightens
Our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the
Headline 'Psychic Win s Lottery'?
Why is
'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that
Doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made
With artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who InvestsAll your money called a broker?
Why is the time of
Day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there
Mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah
Swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the
Needle for lethal injections?
You know that
Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep
Shrink when it rains?
Why are they called
Apartments when they are all stuck together?
I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of
Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so
Safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The Train Ride
Sitting crowded together on a train traveling through the Canadian Rockies were an elderly farmer from Saskatchewan, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Justin Trudeau has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks .
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Justin Trudeau has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks .
The little old lady thinks: Trudeau must have groped the buxom blond in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
The blond girl thinks: That darn Trudeau must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
Trudeau thinks: That stupid old farmer from Saskatchewan must have groped the blond in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The old farmer from Saskatchewan thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that little asshole from Ottawa again.
Trudeau thinks: That stupid old farmer from Saskatchewan must have groped the blond in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The old farmer from Saskatchewan thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that little asshole from Ottawa again.
Friday, March 17, 2017
JUST PLAIN NEAT INFORMATION..........I have a smart friend who told me
Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
If you stop getting thirsty , you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song Auld Lang Syne is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent. Drinking a glass of water before you eat may help digestion and curb appetite.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday, which was written in 1935!
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries and cashews are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at
lift-off.
lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Monday, February 13, 2017
Smile for the Day
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)
------------------------------ ------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.
"We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------ ------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
------------------------------ ------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------ ------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------ ------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)
------------------------------ ------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.
"We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------ ------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
------------------------------ ------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------ ------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------ ------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
------------------------------ ------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------ -----------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------ --------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
------------------------------ -----------------------
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
------------------------------ ------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------ -----------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------ --------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
------------------------------ -----------------------
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
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